Saturday, November 15, 2008

REFLECTING

What is it about a birthday that makes us think about and reflect on the past?
I have been wandering back down that path since my birthday last Tuesday week, I have had a feeling of sadness and found myself thinking back to the events which led up to and just after my birthday last year. I am thinking another year has passed, another year older and I am still on my own.

I do realise I don't need a partner in my life to be complete, but it surely would be nice to have someone around to love and share with and to talk to; I have a family and friends who love me but on a personal level what I have just isn't enough...I need more.

Last Saturday I found myself looking at some lovely text messages and the final messages that my Celtic knight had sent me on my cell phone, not wise to keep them I know, but I cannot bring myself to delete them they are my only link to him and any reminder that he was ever in my life, some are like love letters, I'm not ready to burn that final bridge yet. Silly really, as reading them made me sad and brought tears to my eyes, a whole lot of memories came flooding back.

I have actually moved on, for now when I think about the whole situation with him it was never going to work, I spent too much of my time waiting to hear from him and as much as I wanted him it was never meant to be. I don't feel the same about him any more but there will always be a special place in my heart for him.
I guess I was feeling sorry for myself, the birthday seemed a little anti-climatic, I had thought for some time and hoped that my life would be a lot different by now. I have certainly tried to make it so; I have had a lot of sadness and disappointment in the last three years, things over which I have had no control. I am afraid sometimes that my life is living me, I am not living it myself, I just exist as an observer.

I am a good person, I am honest, loving, affectionate, I have morals (though some of my postings might make you think differently), I just don't have the courage to put myself out there in some of the situations where I could meet someone, bars, singles clubs etc. that is just not me; but I am not going to meet anyone sitting at home dreaming of better things so I either give up completely which I have just about done or maybe there is a way. I'm still deciding on that, for as much as I would like a relationship I don't think I am ready yet.

So what does the future hold for me, that I don't know, I will just have to stay on the roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and find out as it happens.
I
will say that I am happier now than this time last year so please don't go worrying about me, I am more resilient than you may think and that happiness is due in some part to all of you for being so kind to me and welcoming me into your world. :-)

39 comments:

ANNA-LYS said...

Hi its me .,.

I am sitting here for a while to co-reflect upon live and the needs.
Hope it is OK to be quiet for
a moment or two.

Reflections takes time and
needs lots of Anna-Lysis.

<3

ANNA-LYS said...

(where did You find my photo?)

dianne said...

Yes dear Anna-Lys , you can reflect and analyse for a while, I wont disturb you. ♥

Ah! But that is not your photo!

J Cosmo Newbery said...

You are not alone in your aloneness. In another dimension I talk to folk who long for companionship and despair the future. Having said that I have no great answers - the probability of a Austen-like event of a dark, brooding and rich man knocking on the door asking directions are remote. The strategy of hitting the singles bars is functional but can be soul-destroying as well and you are only seeing the sort of person who frequents singles bars. The cautious answer is a life well lived and damn the consequences. Sometimes the best way to find what you want is not to look for it.

The Mess said...

In your cosy sofa where we will be talking..

I prefer Earl-Grey..

ANNA-LYS said...

Ah! But that is not your photo!

dear Dianne
You have labeled this post as "seeking happiness" - as I am red headed I was only trying to make You smile ... to feel the warmth of the smile huging You ....


Sorry

dianne said...

Thank you j cosmo my dearest for taking the time to read this and offer advice.
Yes I realise that I am not alone in my aloneness, the thought of a singles bar where you put yourself on the 'meat market' is not appealing to me at all.
I am not seeking a casual, sexual relationship which is generally what one would find in these places, I want something substantial and real that lasts longer than a one night stand.
It might be a dream but I will hold onto my standards, or I will make the most of my life on my own.
I was fortunate enough to have the Austen experience about three years ago, a handsome, charming older man just came into my life quite by accident, overwhelmed me, I couldn't believe how happy I was but it wasn't to last. I guess one could say he was brooding but his affection and loyalty was for another and it was a very sad ending for me, unlike some of the main characters in the JA novels.
I wasn't looking then and I've given up now, I will make the most of my life alone if that's how its meant to be. ♥ xoxoxox

dianne said...

Anna-Lys my dear, I did laugh at your comment and I was in no way saying anything that would detract from your physical beauty. If you look like the girl in the photo that is your luck I guess, I dont know what you look like, but physical beauty has never been a big requirement for me in the people I like or choose as friends, I go more on feelings. ♥ :) xoxox

dianne said...

Yes M my dearest, it would be lovely to sit on my sofa and have a chat with you while we share a pot of Earl-Grey tea.
What a lovely conversation we could have because you think of so many nice things and I am very imaginative myself. ♥ :) xoxoxo

foam said...

oh dianne ..
if arms could reach across the oceans i'd be giving you a big hug right now..

i'll go clubbing for you! i'm sure i have a handy club laying around somewhere. i could go out and knock some sense into a guy and drag him to your doorstep...

dianne said...

Oh Foamie my dear friend, thanks, you are so kind and thoughtful, I could do with a big hug.
You always make me happy and laugh with your wonderful sense of humour. :)
I never thought of 'clubbing' in that way, you also have your javelin and atlatl though they might prove fatal.
Yes we could pick out the object of my affection and go get him, though I think the original Celtic knight might have a few objections, not to mention his wife. Lol. :)
Actually I am happy to say that I am over him, I'm ready to move on I just have to get myself into the right frame of mind now. :) ♥ xoxox

Lee said...

I was touched by your post and (forgive me) used it as a trigger for my post today.

Yes, hugs help.

dianne said...

Thanks dear Lee , yes hugs definitely help. ♥
If my tale of woe has touched you and inspired your post for today that is OK, no forgiveness needed friend. :) ♥

ANNA-LYS said...

I think my reflection time is coming to its end. Thanks for Your patience Dianne.
I actually think that we can't be complete by our own. We may not find "that" ingredients to make a good human being in the constellation of being a couple. We might as well find it in charity work or by painting. I am also convinced that we in our society of today have problems due to the focus on the subject and personnel development - processes that works against engagement in others, to its full extent.

As all other animals we need the warmth of body-contact ... but there are many ways to fill this need.

A year has passed and the sense of that nothing has moved forward, nothing has changed - status que. It is just a tricky sense, because reading this post makes everyone realize that a lot has happened inside of You, and I do think we need lots and lots of those precious moments when we come in deep contact with our inner-world. And this my dear friend is a solid ground for the change to come. The observation You put forward here I can imagine in the rear view mirror You are looking into and expressing here. But, what You really are doing here is a self-observation of the situation in situ and it is just the beginning ... You are taking big steps forward

Jean said...

I have been where you are.
More than once.
Think of this... the strength it took to survive this far is still with you. Now that same strength can be used to recognize and enjoy all the good around and in you.

I have always thought of birthdays reached as victories of survival and opportunities to look forward to more.

Celebrate your strength, beauty of soul, and endurance :-)

dianne said...

Thank you for your observations and advice dear Anna-Lys I appreciate you taking the time.
My life is very full helping others but I dont wish to go into details here.
There is a certain amount of fulfillment there but also a lot of stress and sadness.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and am very much in contact with my inner self.
I have grown so much in the last year and have had to come to terms with many changes in my life, I have slipped back into the past in the last ten days, it was sad but also liberating because I realised how much I have been able to set free from my heart. ♥ :)

dianne said...

Thank you dearest Jeannie , I know you have been there and in a far worse situation than me.
I am not being self indulgent, I have been so melancholy I thought I was on a downward slide again and I couldn't bear that, you know what that is like.♥
I have been going along so well,I dont know exactly what triggered it, the birthday I think and just looking at my situation, everything seemed so bleak.
I also miss Boney, my mentor, his sage advice always puts things into perspective for me.
You are right I should celebrate each year and look forward to what the next has to offer, I know there is so much beauty around me I see it in so many people and things.
Yes it has taken inner strength to get to where I am now in contrast to where I was last year and it was good to realise that I have been able to let go of most of the hurt I felt. I will be OK, I think I have enough strength within me to put my thoughts into perspective and get on with my life - alone or not.
Thanks again for your thoughts.♥ xo

/t. said...

ok,
i see now
why you're so
darned reflective

ease up on the polish, dianne

& thank you so much for the lovely poem you left at mo'po(!) -- very nice

¤ ¤ ¤

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

For me, J Cosmo Newbery nailed it with his absolutely brilliant comment. Spot on!

(scrambling with my tiny legs to get up on my soapbox ... okay, here goes ...)

Many if not most of us have lost loves and what-might-have-beens in our past; but spending all that time and effort looking back, hinders us from recognizing AND ATTRACTING greater opportunities ahead. I really believe this (and it's probably why "The Great Gatsby" is one of my favorite novels).

It is important for us to realize that we are transmitting signals CONSTANTLY. Messages of which we are unaware, are being received and interpreted by others. It's not so much WHERE you go (except: stay away from the bars!), but how you "project".

Awkwardly, I'll briefly share from my own experience. When I meet someone, I want us to be "in the moment". If I feel that I'm competing with a lost love or a might-have-been for her soul, that's a battle I'd rather not engage in. So I move on. Sparks should fly between US, obscuring (if not obliterating entirely) our pasts. It's not fair to WANT that, if you're unwilling to fully commit as well.

Also heed J. Cosmo's last 2-sentences ("The cautious answer is a life well lived and damn the consequences. Sometimes the best way to find what you want is not to look for it."). When it's right, it will find you.

It's the same advice I've given to myself. Please forgive the preaching.

***

On a more serious note, ask me sometime about my own "Celtic Knight" experience in the Black Forest. It probably wasn't as magical as yours, but it probably was creepier!

dianne said...

Thank you dearest /t. ,I will ease up on the polish, if I'm too shiny and reflective then I will blind would be suitors and they wont be able to see the real me. ♥

Pleased that you liked the poem, I loved your night sky. :) ♥ xoxox

dianne said...

Well Puggles my sweet, bring those tiny little legs over here and hop up onto my knee and we will talk while I give you a cuddle.

First up I should not have put my inner thoughts on public display, it is personal and I was sad and needed to share with someone other than family. But I have been given some very good advice, something to think about.

I know all of us have been there, had our hearts broken and been disappointed, I realise I'm not the only one. I really dont know why I let myself fall back into the past as it is actually over, I dont feel the same about him any more, I have moved on and I dont think I am carrying around any emotional baggage from that time.

And you are absolutely right, we do give off signals and if a guy gets the idea he is competing with someone from the past and wasting his time then he will give up and move on. Its true really, when I was happy I was absolutely glowing and everyone was commenting on how lovely I looked. ♥

Yes it is wonderful to be in the moment with someone, when the chemistry is there and the sparks are flying and all you can see is that person, gosh I haven't been there in such a long time. You are a romantic soul my love. ♥

Yes you and j cosmo have put it well, I will just be my usual happy, spontaneous self,whom I must say many people seek out, stay away from bars, stop looking and someone may find me but I have to feel confident within myself first. ♥

Thank you my sweet for being so thoughtful and sharing your thoughts and advice with me, I am feeling happier already.

I would love to hear about your 'Celtic Knight' experience when you have the time. ♥ ♥ ♥ XOXO

ANNA-LYS said...

" will just have to stay on the roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and find out as it happens."

I think without that roller-coaster of emotions we would be like robots, in the meaning of not alive, mechanical actions.

But, hey ... You don't have to passively wait and find out ... You can make it roll!!

Rock n' Roll Dianne <3

dianne said...

Anna-Lys dear, I like the roller coaster ride of emotions, its what makes life exciting, you just never know what is waiting over that next rise. :-) ♥

Little Lamb said...

Sometimes I reflect on my life, too. It doesn't happen at any particular time, it just happens.

dianne said...

Yes Lil Lambie dear, we all reflect on our lives at times, it usually is a good thing so long as you are thinking of happy times.
Thanks for stopping by. ♥ xoxoxo

boneman said...

Sage advice?
from me?!?

Well, it is true I use sage on my noodles, but I've learned to not overuse it. So, maybe just use the sage on the chicken, save back some of the stock and use the broth when you're actually boiling the noodles (instead of using sage in them directly)....
Like that?

maybe not.

I'm more to the thought that we perceive things because of what we think.
Like two people work the same job, go back to the same apartment complex, eat the same foods, drink the same wines...one is happy the other is miserable.
It's because of what they think about the situation.

Think you have a good situation...make that the truth in your life...and things will be great.
Think you have a bad situation? No amount of consolation will help.

dianne said...

Yes sage advice from you my mentor and wise one. ♥

I'm feeling happier already, lovely to have you back and thanks for your advice. :)

Just say I have moved on and really put that Celtic person behind me and left him in the past and find I have someone new and so much nicer in my sights? If I am positive about that and think that my situation is good...well will things then be great in my life or not?

I'm not sure that works because this new person would have to feel the same and you cant make someone want you, no matter how positive the signals are, it didn't work before...so you might say "find someone else"...well at the moment I dont have the strength to look.

But as usual I am most likely missing the point, you are meaning happy with my situation, well I look for the good things and there are plenty but there is still something missing. ♥ xoxo

Diane said...

I know you spell your name with an extra 'n' but I think this post was meant to be mine... straight from my fingers :). I, too, had a Celtic Knight... and am about to pass another birthday alone... sigh. But here's to the future and finding all we hope for! :)

boneman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dianne said...

Hi Diane with one 'n', lovely to have you here. ♥

Yes I know I'm not the only one with a sad tale, ah, those Irish fellas are pretty hot, but gosh they can leave a girl wanting and break your heart.

I'm getting quite used to being alone, but it sure would be nice to have someone to love, and to be loved.

So here's hoping by our birthdays next year we both have someone special to celebrate with, that would be grand I think.

Have a lovely birthday dear and wishing you all that you could hope for in the future. ♥

Slán águs Beannach
Is Mise Dianne

dianne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Phosgene Kid said...

Mrs. Phos always wonder how I made it to adulthood (well as close as I've gotten) without being killed or jailed.

I too have a lost love - no regrets, everything worked out well, I am really in love with Mrs. Phos, but like the Slogan on the St Pauli Girl bottle, "you never forget your first girl."

ANNA-LYS said...

This is a very long reflection time,

Have a lovely week, Dianne

dianne said...

Phos my dear, thanks for stopping by, always nice to have you here. ♥
Yes I was reading one of your posts about the wild days of your youth and Mrs Phos was right to think you wouldn't make it to adulthood - but from what I read and perceive you have turned out great.

I'm happy for you both that you have each other, so nice to hear you say that you are in love with her.

Yes I guess we never forget our first love, but they aren't necessarily the best love we will ever have or find. ♥ :)

dianne said...

Yes dear Anna-Lys , I have a lot to reflect on. ♥
Thanks, you have a lovely week too.

foam said...

XO ..
just for t he heck of it ..
ya know?

dianne said...

Thanks my dearest Foamie that means a lot to me. ♥ :)

How do we know said...

Happy Birthday dear.. and i like you on this first visit.. :-) Here's wishing you happiness..

dianne said...

Lovely to have you here How do we know and thank you so much for your wishes of happiness dear...I wish you the same. ♥ :-)