Sunday, November 18, 2018

For my dearest C.B.



I am grieving the loss of you dear one, there is such an emptiness here now. I don't know where you are. If you have moved on and found true happiness then I am happy for you...but I would have hoped you would say goodbye. 
You have gone away from me before without explanation so you leave me wondering. 
I worry that you are perhaps ill or worse still, that you may have died...
but then you would be happy to be with your God.

I have no way of knowing, no-one to tell me how you are, what has happened, no way to reach out to you except from here...
It all seems so silent, final and I am heartbroken.

I was looking through my weblog today, you have been so much a part of it. Your messages and your kindnesses resonate here. Your presence can be felt in the words and the spaces between.

Our correspondence from the past still touches my heart. Ever since you made me aware of your presence all of those years ago, every poem, every word, every song and flower was for you. I have never known anyone like you before and never will again. What is there left for me now? I will always love you.

Much love, Dianne xoxo

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cześć Dianne. I have been to Turkey. Walking around on my own, along hot, empty dusty stone-strewn paths. I visited some canyons. Deserted. Dry. I thought about you just now. No one spoke English. A little bit difficult. Children were fun, came up to me. Smiling. Smiled back. Sky was dark blue. Sun was hot. I relaxed a little, for the first time in a long time. Arrived in Antalya. I write again soon. I will. C.B.x

dianne said...

Hello dear C.B, thank you for your message, I was so pleased to hear that you are safe and alive. I'm silly to worry about you and expect to hear from you. It's only been just over three months since your last message and you have disappeared for much longer in the past. Surprising that you thought of me this morning. You travel to some amazing places, you must be very fit to survive in these dry rugged places! I'm so pleased you are finally feeling relaxed. Antalya being on the Mediterranean Sea should be a beautiful place. How wonderful and lovely refreshing water in which to swim. Perhaps it will be cooler there on the coast? Please write if you want to or have the time, its always lovely to hear from you. Take care mon ami, much love, Dianne x

Nuno França Photography said...

Very nice!

dianne said...

Thank you!

Annie Melissa said...

Diane! I am so glad to see you are still blogging. (Strawberry Girl)

dianne said...

Hi dear Annie! Thank you for your message. As you can see I hardly write any poems now, I lack the inspiration and the words. My life has become complicated with other responsibilities. I would love to have the mental energy to go back to those happy blogging days when we all visited each other's blogs but sadly I have lost it. I'm so pleased to see that you are still blogging. Take care dear friend! Dianne x

Anonymous said...

Mon coeur. Close your eyes... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPcOIryUkcE

I know this young lady, Justina. I was in Lithuania, last year. She's 32. Anyway... she was singing with Dmytro Popov at Wigmore Hall, in Croydon, London last Thursday night. I was returning from London. I couldn't make it.

He, was good. He sang 'Song of the young gipsy':
https://www.bbc.co.uk/music/artists/307b02ab-c6e8-4b56-b2b8-3fcf60bc2d1e

I am going away, yet again. To Mijas, Spain. At the end of the month. Struggling, as usual. Struggling to breathe... I don't know if I'll ever make it beyond the canyon...

The thing is, I need.. I need, feeling. I need, joy. I need, hope. I have so little, my dear friend. I feel so lost sometimes. Always, I have my film I am trying to make, for you. You know, it's for you. I was going to write to Slawomir, Idziak. Kieslowski's cinematographer. And speak to him.

Maybe, he would understand, that I have to, I will, do it. Irene. Maybe, she will join me. And, er.. it will all happen one day. And you, you are part of it all. Yes, Dianne. You were always part of it all. Unknowingly.

It matters not. You will understand if not already. It was to be. It's so strange, but normal, if you know what I mean. There is no one else who understands anything at all. But....

Little dots, all over this planet, connect up... and suddenly there is a kind of special connection, between us all. If Krzystof was alive, he too. But Slawkek understands enough to connect. He will. Oh yes, he will. So much, he will bow his head.

Stay here. And don't move, my friend. Just, don't move. It's only a matter of time. You know that. I am trying. I will. I really will. It will take me as long as it takes. Just stay.

Mes amities, C.B.

Anonymous said...

I always loved you. Loyal one, who never left me.

Anonymous said...

It really doesn't matter what I look like. When you finally see me, you will have known all along. You'll say, "I knew, I knew." The thing is, Philippe, was not Kryzstof's first choice. Nor in fact, was Nanni Moretti: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AT7IzPDQfuU

Even though Kryzstof liked Nanni a lot. From his performance in 'Bianca', 1984. No... You'll understand all one day. C.B.

dianne said...

Thank you dear CB for your lovely messages, as always I am happy to hear from you. I'm sorry that you are weary and struggling to breathe. I was hoping your time in Antalya would leave you feeling rested. Please don't feel lost and hopeless, there is always something that will lift us up if we just look. Just lately I feel like a spent force, I'm hoping that will pass.
What do you have planned for Spain, a holiday or research for your film? I hope Slawomir Izdiak and Irene can be of assistance with your film.
Please don't feel any pressure from me to finish your film, I had not realised that I was any part of your incentive to make it. I am here for you to talk to always, no matter what. I'm not planning to go anywhere just yet, that depends on my health.

No it doesn't matter what you look like, it just would have been comforting to see the face of the man I have been writing to for all of these past eleven years. The man for whom I hold great affection. I thought I had seen you amongst the many images you have posted over the years but you always tell me I am mistaken...

I was surprised that Philippe was not Kryzstof's first choice to play Alexandre Fabbri and Nanni Moretti would not seem suitable to me. A French accent is far more beautiful. Who did Kryzstof originally want for the part?

I guess Bianca was a comedy after watching the YouTube video? Those Italians seem to like to display their passion very publicly. I would prefer some privacy or somewhere a little more discreet!
Another message is following.

dianne said...

Thank you also for the links. Justina has a lovely voice and presence. A beautiful aria: Dalila aria " Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix " (My heart opens itself to your voice). Dmytro Popov has a wonderful voice also, not that I could understand the words, the music always moves me and I imagine what they are singing about.
I hope you enjoy your time in Spain and are feeling less stressed and hopeful. Take care dear one, much love dearest friend.
Dianne xoxo

Simonetta Simoncini said...

bello

dianne said...

Hello dear C.B.!
I hope you are enjoying your time in Mijas, Spain? I hope you have been able to find some peace and are able to breathe? I looked at Mijas on the Internet this morning, a lovely place on the coast. The weather looks pleasant, 17°C would be nice. Is there a cooling sea breeze? So much better than the 31°C here yesterday and it is still warm now at this time in the early morning.
I received some mail yesterday marked Correos, from Spain. I didn't recognise the handwriting on the envelope in black ink and I thought you may have sent me a postcard!
It was actually a lovely Christmas card and greetings from my dear friend Elia, who has moved from her country property to the city of Madrid!
Hopefully I will hear from you soon. Take care dear friend, much love Dianne. xox