What is it about a birthday that makes us think about and reflect on the past?I have been wandering back down that path since my birthday last Tuesday week, I have had a feeling of sadness and found myself thinking back to the events which led up to and just after my birthday last year. I am thinking another year has passed, another year older and I am still on my own.
I do realise I don't need a partner in my life to be complete, but it surely would be nice to have someone around to love and share with and to talk to; I have a family and friends who love me but on a personal level what I have just isn't enough...I need more.
Last Saturday I found myself looking at some lovely text messages and the final messages that my Celtic knight had sent me on my cell phone, not wise to keep them I know, but I cannot bring myself to delete them they are my only link to him and any reminder that he was ever in my life, some are like love letters, I'm not ready to burn that final bridge yet. Silly really, as reading them made me sad and brought tears to my eyes, a whole lot of memories came flooding back.
I have actually moved on, for now when I think about the whole situation with him it was never going to work, I spent too much of my time waiting to hear from him and as much as I wanted him it was never meant to be. I don't feel the same about him any more but there will always be a special place in my heart for him.
I guess I was feeling sorry for myself, the birthday seemed a little anti-climatic, I had thought for some time and hoped that my life would be a lot different by now. I have certainly tried to make it so; I have had a lot of sadness and disappointment in the last three years, things over which I have had no control. I am afraid sometimes that my life is living me, I am not living it myself, I just exist as an observer.
I am a good person, I am honest, loving, affectionate, I have morals (though some of my postings might make you think differently), I just don't have the courage to put myself out there in some of the situations where I could meet someone, bars, singles clubs etc. that is just not me; but I am not going to meet anyone sitting at home dreaming of better things so I either give up completely which I have just about done or maybe there is a way. I'm still deciding on that, for as much as I would like a relationship I don't think I am ready yet.
So what does the future hold for me, that I don't know, I will just have to stay on the roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and find out as it happens.
I will say that I am happier now than this time last year so please don't go worrying about me, I am more resilient than you may think and that happiness is due in some part to all of you for being so kind to me and welcoming me into your world. :-)
