I am having some difficulty writing this, in fact just getting started, expressing my thoughts but I feel compelled to write, it is something I must do as in writing this I can maybe let go of the past and free my heart. I cannot believe that the time has passed so quickly and so much of the pain has stayed with me.
It had been over a year since I had seen him and though we had kept in touch regularly this time I wanted to see him, if only to sort out my feelings. He was reluctant to see me, said it probably wouldn't be a good idea, there had been other opportunities but something always seemed to come up and get in our way but this time I was insistent, no more excuses.
When we first met and our friendship began the conversation flowed with ease, it was a happy time, he told me how very lovely I was; I put my life on hold for him for two years, not that he had asked but I had hope and he had intimated that there could be a possibility of something more, I hoped and I waited...
I was both excited and nervous at the prospect of seeing him again, I had no idea what his reaction would be. I arrived and took a deep breath before walking through the doorway of his shop; I can remember my heart beating very quickly, it had been such a long time since I had crossed that threshold, it had been cold on that particular day, it was winter;now it was another year and it was summer.
There you were, my heart almost stopped, you looked up and I could see that you were not happy with me for your greeting was not that friendly, not what I had hoped for. I felt like turning around right there and then and walking away but thought I have come all of this way, mustered up all of this courage, I am not going to give in to your dissuasion and as the time passed you thawed out and were the pleasant person I knew so well.
You looked wonderful, wearing your casual work clothes as you were busy pricing and loading antique furniture on to the van ready for an auction. A pale blue chambray shirt, unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up over a white tee shirt, knee length shorts and your sox sitting casually at your ankles just above the top of your work boots.
How good you looked, your thick hair was almost white now and that beard that defines the shape of your jaw is white as well. I wondered what colour was your hair when you were a boy, a much younger man as I had not known you then.
Your face is beautiful to me, that's not taking anything away from your masculinity, for you are masculine, your features are handsome, those of a man just past middle age, yet there is a boyish look there as well and I love the deep blue of your eyes; that blue chambray shirt accentuates how blue they are. I could lose myself in your eyes. I love your smile, the shape of your mouth, the fullness of your lips, the way you speak, your hands. I don't even have a photo of you, many times I have thought that I could paint your portrait from memory but the sadness and passing of time get in the way.
Well we talked for a while, the conversation being a little awkward to start but it got easier and more relaxed like it was before when we had laughed together.
You asked me many things and I in turn asked you as well but not as much as I had wanted; you told me how well I looked, how much you enjoyed my poetry and prose, that I should write a book.
As I look at you every fibre in my being is telling me that we should be together, we were now standing in the sunshine in the courtyard and talking - something I had dreamed of, so close but better not touch, I could sense that there had been some change in you. It was very hot, little beads of sweat on your forehead which you wiped away with a clean handkerchief; I could smell you, the scent so fresh and mixed with the subtle fragrance of my perfume as it evaporates from the heat on my skin. You give me an orange and a flower...I will keep it forever.
I let you get on with the work you are doing and I wander around the shop looking at all of the interesting pieces of art and furniture there. You come and sit beside me again and we talk some more.
We had touched once - you had offered your cheek for me to kiss and we had hugged but I knew this was not going to happen today, though I wished it could as I had dreamed about what it would be like for you to kiss me and hold me. I stayed for as long as I could but I could see that you were busy and I didn't want to outstay my welcome; I wished this time with you could last forever.
I said "Well I will say goodbye now and let you get on with your day" but you said "No, not goodbye, let us just say Au Revoir", that gave me some hope but I suspected it would be goodbye.
I wished that I had put out my hand for you to shake, at least I could have touched you again but I was still so nervous and didn't want to invade your personal space, actually I wanted to hug you.
You are much taller than I, 6 feet 5 inches, broad shoulders and a large build, I remember the first time when we parted , we were at the gate you had to bend down slightly for me to hug you. As I walked the long distance to the shop door my heart sank as I thought of so many things I had wanted to say and ask and hadn't, I couldn't help but turn around and look at you once again as I thought this is the last time I will see you.
We did communicate for about six more weeks and then as I had sensed, it was over...he had moved on and sadly for me there was someone else in his life.
So unsure I stand before you
